the algorithm

 Instagram was kind enough to suggest I click on your latest post

Which was puzzling and momentarily startling

(though not as traumatizing as it was)

Seeing how I unfollowed you months ago

(Though you still follow me and occasionally let me know it)

But you see

I still had one particular post of yours saved from when we were together

And so the algorithm thought it was being helpful

It was

of course

a selfie of you and my replacement-within-in-a-month

You in your most curated seductively doe-eyed

He

looking

sorry, but

Like as clueless a dipshit as I was

Except

You never posted those few pictures of us you took

Not once

Not that I could see anyhow

You never asked to

And that was nearly a year’s time we’re talking

And from what I gather

more by what our mutual acquaintances out of kindness to me are not saying

You post every picture of yourself with him that you can in these last few months

There seems an incongruity to say the least

What exactly is that about? 

I can’t not wonder

Do I flatter myself

Thinking

Maybe just maybe

You were too busy being in a relatively healthy relationship to worry about who was watching?

Do I flatter myself further by imagining that the algorithm

Born of a toxic vanity culture

Is doing exactly what you want it to do?

I wonder if even the algorithm knows how effectively subtle it has become at trolling

face

The good news is that I slept til five o’clock this morning

Thank you, Tylenol PM

The bad news is that the trauma followed me into my rediscovered REM cycle

allying against me characters and settings both beloved and unsafe

and again made me a victim in the midst of hopeful recovery

The good news is that I hope it does so again tonight

Because when it does I’m going to punch it in its fucking face

response to the one that got away upon being pressed Part 1

"You didn't need to write more unless you needed to get it out," she wrote with a poor emoji gritting its teeth. "I can take it," she encouraged with the endearing LOL

Well

I guess I could let it out in fits and starts if you really want the criticism

It didn't last long enough to be considered a 'relationship'--there

    I hated that

But was that anyone's fault? Hm?

(I do consider you an "ex" in my mind when relationships come up in conversation

    with friends and people I date.

    What do you think about that, huh?)

Oh, and I really miss your cat!

I really don't miss your dog

    (I was just a sex object to him)

I'm a dog person, so that was a big deal for me!

But I was very sad to lose your cat's friendship

Yeah, I suppose it's possible there's a lot to take out on you

But

It's also possible that maybe you weren't as bad an experience for me as you're afraid you were?

You

I imagine a parallel universe where we’re still together—

We’d get out of the shower, naked, intoxicated with each other, completely intertwined.

What would be different is that I would wipe the fogged mirror and point to your reflection and say

I love that girl.

Because I did.

No doubt you would have responded in that coo-ey, sexy way you have

“And she loves you.”

But I would have said, trying to guide your eyes to your own reflection

No babe, that’s not what I’m going for.

How do you feel about that girl? Do you love her too?

I realize now that I have no idea what you would have said.

I know that if you could have said ‘yes’

And I could have believed you

It would have made my job so much easier.