I will in no way claim
that my vices have severe repercussions
or that my struggles with them are as profound as those of others' in my life
I do know this:
It being the first day of school
I was expecting the corporate coffee chain location at my school
which has served me so well over the last 2 years
to be open and ready to vend me a beverage this morning
It was not
It was gone
Inexplicably gone
I settled for the 3rd rate swill
That is the nectar of every Sunday morning fellowship hour
offered by the establishment down the hall
And I don't care how excellent their salmon lox bagel sandwich is
Because, oh my,
Did that ever hit the spot
It doesn't make them qualified to caffeinate the learning masses
what the fuck, school? over.
And for the first time in memory,
I
this night owl
cannot wait to go to sleep right now
wake up tomorrow
Just to try to make this right
Monday, August 24, 2015
Monday, April 27, 2015
shippers [explicit]
Is there a special place in hell
For fandom shippers?
I certainly hope so.
Because there are other sites on the internet
(porn)
other genres of literature
(porn)
and other genres of porn
(fan fiction)
Where one can find a venue
To support the romantic relationship of two fictional characters
And WITHOUT any disservice to the supporting female character
formerly strong, with differentiated integrity
formerly the personification of hope
formerly engaged in a physical relationship with another man
with healthy consequences
with healthy consequences
formerly capable of self-composure without the validation
of the protagonist male character
still brooding
still haunted
still broken
still joyless
still inaccessible
even after she accessed him
I don’t know
It’s like you guys just…
wanna see two imagined people fuck
Is there a special place in hell
For showrunners
Who shamelessly cater to the groundswell of these assholes?
I think not.
Okay
I hope that happens
When you guys realize
She
was
something else
before you caved
If that occurs to you in between trips to the bank
Friday, April 24, 2015
Concerning the Matter of the Disowning, However Imagined
Eggshells are things better spared
Than to have my weight imposed upon them
Not unlike that time
My presence was demand-requested into the debriefing on a near
tragedy
Concerning which I was quite pleased to have been present and helpful to the only real suffering individual concerned
As far as I was concerned
Until I had to sit through the
HISTRIONICS
of the affected cohort group
who
while
I have no doubt
sad for their anguished companion
Were probably a little more sad not to have been present
And to not have the opportunity to have really joined with her in her suffering
An uncomfortable realization:
I had been present
For all that glorious anguish
I got to see the empty package of generic pain-reliever
the drained liquor bottle
I got to call the ambulance for Christ sake
And now I was the only one request-demanded to the debriefing
Because I was witness
The first-hand conduit
of all that suffering
For this beleaguered group
I was to be the Fluffer of their Shared Anguish
And I suppose I gave it to them
Good
I was recently unfriended on Facebook
by the fellow who demand-requested that I be there
All he indicated was
Something about my cover photo
which depicts an angry self-absorbed man
dressed ironically as a sad clown
Thursday, April 23, 2015
concerning that matter of some racial bigotry in Oklahoma
I must name names:
Yukon, Oklahoma
Independence Middle School in 1992 if I’m to be incredibly blunt
The last situation I thought I wanted to be in that I was forced to be in?
Being the new kid in town, forced to get undressed in a boys locker room
with other neo-pubescent boys, complete strangers
The last situation that I in fact did not want to be in that actually happened?
Being the new kid in town, forced to get undressed in a boys locker room
with other neo-pubescent boys, complete strangers
while they chanted the following
Hail, Angels, Dressed in White
Killing N——ers, Left and Right
Well
I don’t remember the rest for some reason
But there was more
I said nothing
And I tucked that incident away amidst the rest of the unpleasantness
of the aforementioned circumstances (…middle school…Yukon, Oklahoma)
Now, I can’t help but think
Had I a device to record and capture that moment 22 years ago in a middle school locker room
Participants no more than 14 years old
And if I had to guess—
Not their first recital
Nor their original composition
But an homage that was doing someone proud
I wouldn’t say they pulled it out of the air
But I would say it was in the air
Now then
The thing to do
is not to say
Well, I never…
Oh it is tempting
But for some grace perhaps I hadn’t come from another Bible Belt town with a tad more
But for some grace perhaps I hadn’t come from another Bible Belt town with a tad more
diversity
Not really embraced
But diversity nonetheless
Wherein my best friends had been individuals of color
Which excuses me nothing from the fact that my ancestors
UNDENIABLY
Considered their ancestors to be property
of THEIRS mind you
Did I personally do anything? i.e. RESPONSIBLE for that
No
and that’s rarely going to be my conversation
But I’m vulnerable to breathing air like anyone
And also to saying nothing
Which is exactly what I
terrified?
shamed?
unsure
did that day
And that, G-d willing, will be my conversation from here on
And I fear (though I don't know)
All that having it on video would have accomplished
Would be to reiterate to the world that I didn’t do anything else when I could havehttp://www.route66news.com/2014/01/21/route-66-towns-former-sundown-towns-apologize/
Monday, April 20, 2015
the hero of the rest of that story
It was a dream
About this thing that used to happen all the time
in our adolescence and adolescent adulthood
You and I were at one of those parties
thrown by the larger circle of friends
Which we’d only agree to go to provided we had one another’s back
In this version, though
We’re actually not who we used to be
But who we’ve grown up to be
You with the wife and kid, and the 9 to 5
(or, the 7 to 5, in your case)
Me splitting time between perpetual student and clinic
And we’ve all returned, as if to a very specific sort of reunion
You and I having a tacit agreement
That my emotional entanglements of the past
(of which you’re well aware and we need not detail for these purposes)
(of which you’re well aware and we need not detail for these purposes)
would not make me timid
It was going quite well
But I had one of my moments
Someone requested you for something
You were gone for what seemed an eternity of a few minutes
I panicked
I ran
I mean I really ran
Somehow I had my shorts and shoes
And I just started jogging off
Down a neighborhood street that was a little bit like
any street in every town I’ve ever lived in.
I worked up the requisite sweat after a couple of miles
Which seemed to get it out of my system
But there I was returned to my senses and stranded
Though with a phone in my pocket
(which should tell you it definitely wasn’t the 90s)
And even in my dreams
Yours is the only number I still have memorized
“I’m sorry, man
I pulled a John…”
I pulled a John…”
“You pulled a John,”
you laughed, not in the least disappointed
“But can I pick up some ice cream for everyone since I’m out?”
(which should tell you I wasn’t 19 anymore)
You conferred with the rest of the guests
And decided on the spot this was the best way to explain why I wasn’t there
I woke up right after buying the Blue Bell
There’s no doubt in my mind you came and got me
Sunday, April 19, 2015
First Response
The Brewery in Bricktown
Some Saturday afternoon
Days after?
Weeks?
Whenever it was
It was still happening
In walked the firefighters, the EMTs
‘Wearied’ might be a description
so long as descriptions
and the grossest of understatements
can be on mutually inclusive terms
Up to the second floor they immediately proceeded
Not expecting
Nor requiring
The standing ovation that erupted
as they marched
I do not remember a lot of smiles lighting up their faces
But it was a part of them
To serve
To respond
To rescue
And that they wore this as they marched up the stairs
was visible
I’ll never know how long they’d been toiling that day
If the human toll
Blended with the Federal debris
What a toll it ultimately took
Nor if a complimentary burger and beer on the house
could ever be thanks enough
Nor if our first response as a grateful public
Could ever make theirs worthwhile
Friday, April 17, 2015
This boy, he bleeds
I have taken to metaphor-ing severe depression
as an open wound with profuse bleeding
the stopping of which is not necessarily the resolution
i.e.
the healing
of the wound
nor the removal of the injuring agent
but a bandage that might at least help
stop further loss
clear up the light-headedness
prevent infection
clean you up for the requisite appearances
birthdays, high school graduations
your own wedding
what have you
And when the dejected 18 year-old
for whom melancholia is something of a contact sport
says to me:
“But what if you like the bleeding?”
Which I wasn’t expecting
But am in no way surprised to hear
Well, that’s the thing you see…
I respond, not missing a beat
Because I really do know
the thing
in question
That would make this
a peculiar
yet undeniable
form of self-harm
no?
As if I myself haven’t engaged in this sweet romance
Once…
Mm, twice, sorry I forgot that one time, nonetheless
Still an affective discomfort
Still a wound
of the higher order cognition kind
Screaming
I have been hurt
Not that that’s any of my business ’til you choose to share that
Fortunately for you, I’m patient
As others were patient with me
I wouldn’t be here playing this game with you if they hadn’t been
Now then
This boy, he bleeds
And I’m really excited because I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else
Who could, potentially
(oh, how he hates that word)
Really make it work for him
And the 18 year-old he’ll get to meet someday
Friday, April 10, 2015
a bemoaning
That warmth of having a song stuck in your head
that was some B-side of a single from a few years back
but only recently have you discovered it
You find it so infectious, you just want your brain to soak in it
And so soon you can’t get it out
You begin making up words to it that are sort of like the right words
But not exactly
Those are your lyrics you’re putting to it
If it was that easy to come up with those words
Why couldn’t you have just come up with this melody and instrumental arrangement
for which you have such a star-crossed affinity?
You could have been the one to record it, and reel in those royalties
God
damn this retroactive talent
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
going rate
I think the most surreal revelation
of working in private practice
at which my going rate is determined by the higher ups
Is that I don’t really think I could afford myself
And I might be the one who needs me the most.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
two things, one not being so much a thing, and another couple things
One thing:
A supernatural occurrence
A confrontation
of otherworldy forces
Bringing quakes and tremors
Volcanic ash
Hellfire
scorching and razing
The Devil rising
out of a chasm in the earth
that wasn’t there a moment before
Demanding the unconditional surrender of our head-of-state
and unequivocal submission
an effective refutation of our economic philosophies
and geo-political ranking
-OR- another thing:
the public lynching of an innocent
Which one would it be easier for me to believe happens everyday?
which would be one thing
Then to die just so the truth of it has the chance to be known?
which would be another thing all together
A supernatural occurrence
A confrontation
of otherworldy forces
Bringing quakes and tremors
Volcanic ash
Hellfire
scorching and razing
The Devil rising
out of a chasm in the earth
that wasn’t there a moment before
Demanding the unconditional surrender of our head-of-state
and unequivocal submission
an effective refutation of our economic philosophies
and geo-political ranking
-OR- another thing:
the public lynching of an innocent
Which one would it be easier for me to believe happens everyday?
which would be one thing
Then to die just so the truth of it has the chance to be known?
which would be another thing all together
Thursday, April 2, 2015
tasted
The politics
were really some matter
for me
Like a taste of blood
accidentally got in the way
and I got it in my head
the fruit was supposed to taste like steak
when
in actuality
Probably was the wax stuff supposed to be left on display
Better left in the past
If it was to be anything at all
the wax figure on display
standing in for something
That I could
change?
A puzzle I could
complete?
Maybe...
But I would live for the politics of the thing
I would pore over it
Learn
Study
Digest
Live
Speculate
Expound upon
And it wasn’t cheap
Bleed
for
with
and from
For me, it was sport
While for everyone else
a struggle
and blessing
Which is what I hoped for myself too
but for that taste
On it goes without me
And me a bit lost at times without it
I still hear faint echoes sometimes
As if it knows it could draw me back in
Anytime it wanted
Perhaps I run from it
Because it’s a worthwhile thing from which to run
Or a worthwhile thing to run into
once the circle unbreaks
But I’ve still a really bad taste in my mouth until it does
were really some matter
for me
Like a taste of blood
accidentally got in the way
and I got it in my head
the fruit was supposed to taste like steak
when
in actuality
Probably was the wax stuff supposed to be left on display
Better left in the past
If it was to be anything at all
the wax figure on display
standing in for something
That I could
change?
A puzzle I could
complete?
Maybe...
But I would live for the politics of the thing
I would pore over it
Learn
Study
Digest
Live
Speculate
Expound upon
And it wasn’t cheap
Bleed
for
with
and from
For me, it was sport
While for everyone else
a struggle
and blessing
Which is what I hoped for myself too
but for that taste
On it goes without me
And me a bit lost at times without it
I still hear faint echoes sometimes
As if it knows it could draw me back in
Anytime it wanted
Perhaps I run from it
Because it’s a worthwhile thing from which to run
Or a worthwhile thing to run into
once the circle unbreaks
But I’ve still a really bad taste in my mouth until it does
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
where
Following the Reckoning
once I have renounced all privilege and capital of my social location
be it through coercion of the new order
Or
I’m just that nice of a guy
I will be in the very safest of places:
A dizzying series of panned shots
Portraying scenes of my life
that didn’t…really…happen
But it will be edited and choreographed
as if a music video
to a song by The Killers
inspired visually by Baz Luhrmann
for good effect
And the memories will be
a tad wistful
angst-y, yes, because adolescence was pretty good to me after all
Bittersweet even
but ultimately good
I will have laid down my test kits and scoring templates
I will have critiqued my last empirical study
I will have entered the last bit of raw data
Clicked the mouse for the calculations
The results will be the most significant EVER
And I will be shown the door
Going in
Going out
Either way
The benediction will be something like
“Well done, buddy…
THAT
was impressive.”
Or
Something else
Which I am very happy at present
Not even able to fathom
But you’ll know where to find me
once I have renounced all privilege and capital of my social location
be it through coercion of the new order
Or
I’m just that nice of a guy
I will be in the very safest of places:
A dizzying series of panned shots
Portraying scenes of my life
that didn’t…really…happen
But it will be edited and choreographed
as if a music video
to a song by The Killers
inspired visually by Baz Luhrmann
for good effect
And the memories will be
a tad wistful
angst-y, yes, because adolescence was pretty good to me after all
Bittersweet even
but ultimately good
I will have laid down my test kits and scoring templates
I will have critiqued my last empirical study
I will have entered the last bit of raw data
Clicked the mouse for the calculations
The results will be the most significant EVER
And I will be shown the door
Going in
Going out
Either way
The benediction will be something like
“Well done, buddy…
THAT
was impressive.”
Or
Something else
Which I am very happy at present
Not even able to fathom
But you’ll know where to find me
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