Saturday, September 21, 2013

so there

That thing where I have a light fever
I’m teetering between consciousness
     and the extremely inviting third nap on a sick day

Suddenly it’s ten years ago and 700 miles away
     The last time I saw her in person

     It’s a random flashback
     I know it’s just a flashback
           And yet I am so there
                and can’t do anything about it

And I remember the last thing I said to her
     With the misguided intention of communicating
          That I am Standing My Ground
          The Line is Here
               This Thing I’m Trying to Pass Off as Assertiveness
                    Will Finally Make You See that I’m the One

When really I may just as well have been saying
     I’m Just Gonna Refuse to Grow Up For Just a Little Longer
               If That’s Okay With You
      I Hate Change
                and This Really Should Just Validate Your Decision 
                To Move On With Your Life

                But It’s Going to Take a Few More Months For Me 
                          To Find Other People and Other Sources to Focus On
                               Take One More Year For Me to Make
                                         a Superficial Gesture of Letting Go
                               Take Two More Years for me to Deal With This in its Totality 
                                         and Get Over You
                               Three More Years to Get Over It
                               Five More Years to Realize It was Never About You
                                         you were just the important person that got in the way
                                                   -sorry about that-

               Six More Years to Really Understand Letting Go
               Seven More Years to Really Come to Peace with That
               Ten More Years With the Help of a Light Fever To Help Me Realize

                              What a Really Dick Thing That Was to Say To You

That’s when I come to a second later
                    "What the hell was that?" I whisper
          and I panic
     wondering if I’ve done anything else with my life 
          for the last ten years
          hoping lessons were able to be learned through other avenues
               pretty sure that all has been well
               and all shall be well
                         by means of grace if nothing else

Fevers are terrible things
And yet

          The only reliable means of time travel I have yet to find