Saturday, April 28, 2012


Last night I hated the kid

The outburst
that followed what I thought was such a great session
nothing healing
but nothing I thought would lead to his fist slamming into a window

It was not to be an early night

Today I hate the paperwork
the followup
the check-in
the debrief
the clean up

Are you still fucking crazy today
or do you just have an asshole for a therapist?*
‘Cause I’m fine with either really

a safety plan will be in place
He’ll be calm again
Acknowledging me as the person for his questions
Fighting hard to take responsibility
or more likely not at all
And since no male figure has ever taken responsibility for him
Ever not beaten up the schizophrenic mother who loves him
How exactly do I hold this against him?

In a week or two
possibly it or something similar will have happened again
and it will dawn on me
that I can’t fix everything
or even most things
And only hope can be my judge
that he might remember

I tried

that I stuck with him
though I could not traverse that gulf
I stood there
I stepped into that fire
not at all the same one he’s in
one of my own choosing
but a fire nonetheless
and it was unpleasant

And I did not try to pull him out Dr. Doan
I just stood there with him
(or paced restlessly as it were)
I could do no other

But if the experience of the one that pulled the gun on me that one time is any teacher
And I be a fortunate human
And even if not all 11 year-old psychotics are as lovable as other 11 year-old psychotics
But as equally deserving of G-d’s grace as me
I may yet love the kid by the next progress note

[*Italics denotes thoughts I would never ever ever say aloud to a client and are used for poetic purposes only.]


  1. I want to say "who are you?" But the answer comes immediately - you are a damn good therapist my friend. God's light and love too.

  2. If memory serves, nothing to that magnitude every happened again. Maybe "just" standing there with him (that night and several days to follow) was enough?

    1. Hey, you found my blog!

      True, I should have followed up on this posting. He now in fact shows too much deference to me (at least, his style of deference). Incidentally, we had a funny moment the other day I should share with you...